Mortal, me?!

A few weeks ago I was super tired but, I totally ignored it. Turns out that was kind of a bad idea. And, after collapsing at Jibraels school I had a mini vacation in the hospital. That “vacation” I’m sure to vent about another time, but for now lets just focus on the affect of having ME missing from the equation that is my family. Yes, this is a totally self absorbed post… what’d you expect?

I have to be in control. I push everyone to better the whole, and they aren’t whole without me. I didn’t want the kids to come to the hospital, I imagined no mother would want her kids to see her that helpless. And I was scared, terrified actually. We’d never talked about what to do if anything happened to the other. I guess that’s naive of us seeing as we’re both just flesh and blood. And in my case less blood. I still don’t know how that conversation should go, or how it would even start. I just remember being so upset that the doctors were admitting me, I had to pick up Jibrael, make dinner, walk Cookie, go to the gym, work, and make sure Aqeelah got her hair combed at least once in a while. I remember looking at Muhammad, who was sitting on his laptop working, thinking he can’t handle this. He had enough on his plate , he couldn't handle me not being there AND the kids, plus the dog. Mainly I couldn't handle being out of control. 

He did better then I expected. I mean sure Aqeelah had the same puffs for a few days, and he had to make arrangements for someone to pick up Jibrael. And the house was, well the house was somewhat worse than when I was home. He was still amazing. And the kids ate lots of junk, pizza for dinner and chips for snack. But they ate. They cried, they worried, they missed me. But they were OK.

I sat in the hospital worrying about them every second. I woke up from anesthesia asking if Jibrael had school lunch. My very capable husband had it all covered. So they might not be that bad off without me. As sad as that sounds, it’s also very reassuring. Nothing says I’ll be here tomorrow, it’s good to know that without me they’d manage. I joked that Muhammad would have to find another wife immediately if anything should happen to me, but the reality is he’s an amazing father and doesn’t need me to be around to validate that. Guess my mortality confirms I made the right choice.

love you, love me, love always

I always expect today to be easier. Every year for the past ten years I want to fast forward through October 3rd.

To say that I am ready to write about this, to let everyone I know into this whole that is still in my heart...

Forever sixteen, ten years ago today I lost my best friend. The one person in my life I never had a falling out with, who not once hurt my feelings. Our friendship will always be the highlight of my adolescence. The memories will always be greatly cherished. Jenni was there for me when my grandfather died, the first close death I’d experienced in life. She was a rock when my parents finally got divorced. The person I told when I lost my virginity. Jenni was so much, always there and she always genuinely cared.

The thing that makes October 3rd bearable every year is what Jenni gave me after she left us. She was amazing, and kind, and strong, and loving. She held all of my secrets. She gave so much, even in her departure of this world. I am always amazed by and grateful for Georgia.  Jenni gave all of her friends a second mother, whom she was always willing and proud to share. The love and respect that I feel for Georgia is equal to that which I have for my own mother. As a mother now I couldn’t imagine. Georgia, you’ve taught me so much I’ve often wondered how you remained so strong for us, I know now it’s because Jenni was as good a daughter as she was a friend. I could never thank you enough for sharing her with me, and everyone else she touched.

My friend, my Jenni is the reason I have my family. Eight years ago today Jenni put Muhammad in my life. Not as a replacement, but a reminder that I am here and I still have the opportunity to be happy, to grow up. I saw Muhammad in philosophy class, but I met Muhammad on October 3rd. To say that I was in a bad place would be an understatement. I knew then that Jenni was looking out for me, comforting me like she always had. The only way I have to thank her for everything she has meant to me is to always carry her memory, and celebrate her life.