eh… it’s me

If I could recreate me I’d be so much better. I’d be like a happy homebody, with tons of independent projects that just naturally flowed. I wouldn’t be so afraid to unveil and show my soul and accept the souls around me as inspiration and positivity. I wouldn’t let anything that anyone had to say tear me down, plus I wouldn’t tear anyone down with my words or actions either. Hell, I probably wouldn’t drink or swear or yell when I got pissed off. I’d have no temper and the strength to walk away. If I could scrap this person I’ve become and create the being that stands for more, maybe then I could be… happy.

But seriously. this all sounds so self loathing, my other person would not be down with this vibe at all. What’s worse is I have no idea how to be anyone but who I am. I am a flutterer, being at home makes me more than a little nutty. I start projects and loose interest in them, some of them like this blog I dabble with from time to time. Sure I could make myself just write but then the few folks who do read this crap would want to have an intervention. Assuming anyone would care that much! And unveiling, whoa…  my CalPIRG days aren’t that far behind me, and somehow I’ve cloaked that conviction I was once so certain of. I justify my tirades and,

*sigh* I’m too young for this type of contemplation…

So what, life's not rainbows and daisies, and I say fuck… a lot. Maybe I could be both those people, but would that be fake? I mean, I’m pretty sure that the being I described has to live in me. She’s the D2 under construction waiting for old age and wisdom to bloom. She’s gotta be better than the old lady shouting at folks for walking on the lawn. So what if I’m slightly self absorbed at 26, 26 years from now I’ll be a whole new person. Ha, circular logic :) Because in the beginning I was just me, someones daughter and sister. All these layers I’m wearing today have to be preparing the universe for a worthy being.

So I guess if you’re still reading this insanity that will forever pollute the internet check back in a few decades and remind me of this post.

I read a tweet that said,

“My neighbor is a stay at home wife, that must be a miserable existence #workingwoman”

it really pissed me off. I can’t figure out why, maybe because I know what hard work it is to be at home and maintain a positive attitude. I also remember how difficult it was to work 50+ hours a weeks and maintain a healthy, happy home. Kudos to the woman who can successfully do both, but from my experience there’s always something that is lacking.

The negative comments about stay at home moms/ wives never cease to amaze me. As if this job is less important because there is not financial incentive. I can name several jobs that have little or not financial gain that are EXTREMELY important… teachers, missionaries, monks/ nuns…

My contribution to society as a shaper of the future is far greater compensation than a salary. I’m not only here to mold and guide my own children, I’m a role model and open arms for any child I meet. In the game of life some women are players & others are coaches, but both are necessary.

What it means to sacrifice

Today I have been unemployed for six months. Wait, scratch that, I have been a SAHM for six months. And that is NOT the same as being unemployed. I have struggled with my decision and at times felt like I made the wrong one. There are so many things I want to do with my family, and now that I have the time to do them I find that I don’t have the funds to do it all. I’m constantly hearing that s word thrown around like it’s dirty. As if not having absolutely everything you want the second you think of it is a bad thing.

I’m fairly certain that I don’t really know what “sacrifice” this means. Even when I was younger and my mom said no, it never felt like a sacrifice. She never complained about all the hard work she had to put in to take care of me & my sisters, so perhaps that's where my attitude of the word came from. You do what you have to do, because nothing will ever be handed to you.

Sometimes it seems like the people I know get so caught up in keeping up with the Jones & everyone else that doesn’t really matter, that they forget what’s really important. When I wake up in the morning I’m gifted with the opportunity to make a difference in my son and daughters life. No I don’t have the luxury to buy whatever I want whenever I want anymore. But I honestly don’t miss it.

The true sacrifice is having all the material things you could think of, and no time to enjoy the people who love you.

Testing, testing 1-2-3...

So I'm working on taking my blog mobile so that I will actually do some blogging. Here's a picture of my lil' mini me from a few days ago. She was killing that donut!

Lonely Soccer Mom

Jibrael started soccer! It’s actually been a few weeks but I’ve been lazy on the blogging :/ BUT, he’s really damn good for it to be his first time playing. I mean sure he’s gonna need to pay more attention to who’s on his team, but he’s totally got the jest of it all down :) This week he actually scored a goal, for the wrong team but nevertheless he kicked the hell outta that ball!

I ran around for nearly a week getting everything I thought we’d need to be successful soccer parents. Jays got all his Adidas gear and looks so cute in it! Of course I don’t have a picture of that, Daddy was in charge of the camera on game day. Qee got a new quad chair to style the sideline. But all she really wants to do is kick the ball :)

 

The thing that surprises me the most is how difficult it’s been to meet any soccer moms. I’m amazed at how closed off the group is. I thought for sure I’d meet some interesting moms to chat with on the sidelines. But the ones that speak English (I’m being serious) are rather snobbish. I did find one mom to chat with during the clinic, but I don’t see her at the games.

Any way I find myself thinking I wouldn’t want to deal with snobby bitches anyway, right?! I’m determined to keep these kids active, mostly for my sanity. So eventually I expect to meet an awesome mom with kids the same age and some other kinds of similarities. Or maybe I’m destined to cheer on the sideline with with me and the hubs…

Fighting for better or worse…

Monday was our 7th wedding anniversary, this week I’ve been reflecting on how quickly the time has passed. It’s funny to me to say yeah, I’ve been married for seven years, when I still have so many single friends from hs and college. Hell, I sometimes feel like I’M the lame for having a family! I mean with all the “independent women” and trifling men who’d rather be “baby daddy” then husband, is marriage an antiquated idea? I don’t think so, if animals can mate for life that must have been the plan for mankind… right?!

I can remember the look on everyone's faces when we got married. Jumping right in was what we knew best, somehow us getting married seemed to make so much sense. We’d known each other for six months, and there was so much more to know about one another, but we’d have forever to learn. And it wasn’t even a love thing! So many people think that at 19 and 20 you can’t possibly know who you’ll want to spend forever with, that getting caught up in “love” is the wrong thing at such a young age. If anyone would ask Muhammad why he married me he’d say it was because he felt I would compliment his weaker areas. And as romantic as I’d love to say I am, the thought occurred that THAT boy was going places. We grew to love each other later, and it wasn’t easy or fairytale love.

Our marriage almost didn’t make it. What a tough thing to openly admit. We called it quits, threw in the towel. Came dangerously close to forever living separate from one another. And the naysayers said yay. They said we were too young to have gotten married in the first place. They accused us of playing house. Said we didn’t need to be together, that our children would be better off if we ended it. They said there wasn’t anything wrong with walking away. And as a child of divorce, my parents, grandparents, in fact I only have two set of aunts and uncles that HAVEN’T been divorced, I believed it. I thought I’d bounce back, made up my mind that I could do better.

We were fortunate to see, that we were destined to be together. Even though every moment that we were separated we tried to stop loving each other, our hearts knew where they belonged. I believe there is one person out there for everyone. Some of us mess up with that person and just walk away. We spend the rest of our lives making unfortunate decisions and harmful mistakes. We are both blessed to have experienced pain, and learned from it. To have truly acknowledged what a sacred commitment marriage is. We will let each anniversary remind us how close we were to walking away from “the one”.

I know many people who weren’t happy that we fought so hard to save our marriage. I’m certain that they are silently hoping we fail. I hope they hold their breath! I got married to be apart of something great, and everyday it gets better.

For all the tears we cry, and fist we throw, what are we really fighting for? If not for love it is in vain.

What the hell!?!

I don’t watch my mouth. In fact, I cuss around pretty much everyone. I think I’ve been doing it since third grade or so. Doesn’t bother me one bit and if it bothers your, well you can go… LOL!

Enters Jibrael, “Mommie, Aqeelah just said a bad word”

Me “What did she say?”

Jibrael “She said what the hell?”

Me “Hmmm, I wonder where she got that from?” *puzzled look*

For real people, I don’t have the slightest clue where she’d be getting that phrase. I mean sure I say “hell” but “what the hell” that’s a very specific order. And quite impressive for a 2yo if I do say so myself!

So later that day M’s telling Aqeelah that the dog has her doll. “What the hell”, she says clear as day! He looks at me and is like “What’s up with that?” And I have to say that I HONESTLY do not know.

So now he’s all pissy with me because he says whenever I catch them doing something they shouldn’t I say “What the hell!” I don’t know if that’s necessarily true, but I guess I’d better watch my mouth. At least until Aqeelah is old enough to understand that she can’t say everything that Mommie says!