Mortal, me?!

A few weeks ago I was super tired but, I totally ignored it. Turns out that was kind of a bad idea. And, after collapsing at Jibraels school I had a mini vacation in the hospital. That “vacation” I’m sure to vent about another time, but for now lets just focus on the affect of having ME missing from the equation that is my family. Yes, this is a totally self absorbed post… what’d you expect?

I have to be in control. I push everyone to better the whole, and they aren’t whole without me. I didn’t want the kids to come to the hospital, I imagined no mother would want her kids to see her that helpless. And I was scared, terrified actually. We’d never talked about what to do if anything happened to the other. I guess that’s naive of us seeing as we’re both just flesh and blood. And in my case less blood. I still don’t know how that conversation should go, or how it would even start. I just remember being so upset that the doctors were admitting me, I had to pick up Jibrael, make dinner, walk Cookie, go to the gym, work, and make sure Aqeelah got her hair combed at least once in a while. I remember looking at Muhammad, who was sitting on his laptop working, thinking he can’t handle this. He had enough on his plate , he couldn't handle me not being there AND the kids, plus the dog. Mainly I couldn't handle being out of control. 

He did better then I expected. I mean sure Aqeelah had the same puffs for a few days, and he had to make arrangements for someone to pick up Jibrael. And the house was, well the house was somewhat worse than when I was home. He was still amazing. And the kids ate lots of junk, pizza for dinner and chips for snack. But they ate. They cried, they worried, they missed me. But they were OK.

I sat in the hospital worrying about them every second. I woke up from anesthesia asking if Jibrael had school lunch. My very capable husband had it all covered. So they might not be that bad off without me. As sad as that sounds, it’s also very reassuring. Nothing says I’ll be here tomorrow, it’s good to know that without me they’d manage. I joked that Muhammad would have to find another wife immediately if anything should happen to me, but the reality is he’s an amazing father and doesn’t need me to be around to validate that. Guess my mortality confirms I made the right choice.