Mortal, me?!

A few weeks ago I was super tired but, I totally ignored it. Turns out that was kind of a bad idea. And, after collapsing at Jibraels school I had a mini vacation in the hospital. That “vacation” I’m sure to vent about another time, but for now lets just focus on the affect of having ME missing from the equation that is my family. Yes, this is a totally self absorbed post… what’d you expect?

I have to be in control. I push everyone to better the whole, and they aren’t whole without me. I didn’t want the kids to come to the hospital, I imagined no mother would want her kids to see her that helpless. And I was scared, terrified actually. We’d never talked about what to do if anything happened to the other. I guess that’s naive of us seeing as we’re both just flesh and blood. And in my case less blood. I still don’t know how that conversation should go, or how it would even start. I just remember being so upset that the doctors were admitting me, I had to pick up Jibrael, make dinner, walk Cookie, go to the gym, work, and make sure Aqeelah got her hair combed at least once in a while. I remember looking at Muhammad, who was sitting on his laptop working, thinking he can’t handle this. He had enough on his plate , he couldn't handle me not being there AND the kids, plus the dog. Mainly I couldn't handle being out of control. 

He did better then I expected. I mean sure Aqeelah had the same puffs for a few days, and he had to make arrangements for someone to pick up Jibrael. And the house was, well the house was somewhat worse than when I was home. He was still amazing. And the kids ate lots of junk, pizza for dinner and chips for snack. But they ate. They cried, they worried, they missed me. But they were OK.

I sat in the hospital worrying about them every second. I woke up from anesthesia asking if Jibrael had school lunch. My very capable husband had it all covered. So they might not be that bad off without me. As sad as that sounds, it’s also very reassuring. Nothing says I’ll be here tomorrow, it’s good to know that without me they’d manage. I joked that Muhammad would have to find another wife immediately if anything should happen to me, but the reality is he’s an amazing father and doesn’t need me to be around to validate that. Guess my mortality confirms I made the right choice.

love you, love me, love always

I always expect today to be easier. Every year for the past ten years I want to fast forward through October 3rd.

To say that I am ready to write about this, to let everyone I know into this whole that is still in my heart...

Forever sixteen, ten years ago today I lost my best friend. The one person in my life I never had a falling out with, who not once hurt my feelings. Our friendship will always be the highlight of my adolescence. The memories will always be greatly cherished. Jenni was there for me when my grandfather died, the first close death I’d experienced in life. She was a rock when my parents finally got divorced. The person I told when I lost my virginity. Jenni was so much, always there and she always genuinely cared.

The thing that makes October 3rd bearable every year is what Jenni gave me after she left us. She was amazing, and kind, and strong, and loving. She held all of my secrets. She gave so much, even in her departure of this world. I am always amazed by and grateful for Georgia.  Jenni gave all of her friends a second mother, whom she was always willing and proud to share. The love and respect that I feel for Georgia is equal to that which I have for my own mother. As a mother now I couldn’t imagine. Georgia, you’ve taught me so much I’ve often wondered how you remained so strong for us, I know now it’s because Jenni was as good a daughter as she was a friend. I could never thank you enough for sharing her with me, and everyone else she touched.

My friend, my Jenni is the reason I have my family. Eight years ago today Jenni put Muhammad in my life. Not as a replacement, but a reminder that I am here and I still have the opportunity to be happy, to grow up. I saw Muhammad in philosophy class, but I met Muhammad on October 3rd. To say that I was in a bad place would be an understatement. I knew then that Jenni was looking out for me, comforting me like she always had. The only way I have to thank her for everything she has meant to me is to always carry her memory, and celebrate her life.

eh… it’s me

If I could recreate me I’d be so much better. I’d be like a happy homebody, with tons of independent projects that just naturally flowed. I wouldn’t be so afraid to unveil and show my soul and accept the souls around me as inspiration and positivity. I wouldn’t let anything that anyone had to say tear me down, plus I wouldn’t tear anyone down with my words or actions either. Hell, I probably wouldn’t drink or swear or yell when I got pissed off. I’d have no temper and the strength to walk away. If I could scrap this person I’ve become and create the being that stands for more, maybe then I could be… happy.

But seriously. this all sounds so self loathing, my other person would not be down with this vibe at all. What’s worse is I have no idea how to be anyone but who I am. I am a flutterer, being at home makes me more than a little nutty. I start projects and loose interest in them, some of them like this blog I dabble with from time to time. Sure I could make myself just write but then the few folks who do read this crap would want to have an intervention. Assuming anyone would care that much! And unveiling, whoa…  my CalPIRG days aren’t that far behind me, and somehow I’ve cloaked that conviction I was once so certain of. I justify my tirades and,

*sigh* I’m too young for this type of contemplation…

So what, life's not rainbows and daisies, and I say fuck… a lot. Maybe I could be both those people, but would that be fake? I mean, I’m pretty sure that the being I described has to live in me. She’s the D2 under construction waiting for old age and wisdom to bloom. She’s gotta be better than the old lady shouting at folks for walking on the lawn. So what if I’m slightly self absorbed at 26, 26 years from now I’ll be a whole new person. Ha, circular logic :) Because in the beginning I was just me, someones daughter and sister. All these layers I’m wearing today have to be preparing the universe for a worthy being.

So I guess if you’re still reading this insanity that will forever pollute the internet check back in a few decades and remind me of this post.

I read a tweet that said,

“My neighbor is a stay at home wife, that must be a miserable existence #workingwoman”

it really pissed me off. I can’t figure out why, maybe because I know what hard work it is to be at home and maintain a positive attitude. I also remember how difficult it was to work 50+ hours a weeks and maintain a healthy, happy home. Kudos to the woman who can successfully do both, but from my experience there’s always something that is lacking.

The negative comments about stay at home moms/ wives never cease to amaze me. As if this job is less important because there is not financial incentive. I can name several jobs that have little or not financial gain that are EXTREMELY important… teachers, missionaries, monks/ nuns…

My contribution to society as a shaper of the future is far greater compensation than a salary. I’m not only here to mold and guide my own children, I’m a role model and open arms for any child I meet. In the game of life some women are players & others are coaches, but both are necessary.

What it means to sacrifice

Today I have been unemployed for six months. Wait, scratch that, I have been a SAHM for six months. And that is NOT the same as being unemployed. I have struggled with my decision and at times felt like I made the wrong one. There are so many things I want to do with my family, and now that I have the time to do them I find that I don’t have the funds to do it all. I’m constantly hearing that s word thrown around like it’s dirty. As if not having absolutely everything you want the second you think of it is a bad thing.

I’m fairly certain that I don’t really know what “sacrifice” this means. Even when I was younger and my mom said no, it never felt like a sacrifice. She never complained about all the hard work she had to put in to take care of me & my sisters, so perhaps that's where my attitude of the word came from. You do what you have to do, because nothing will ever be handed to you.

Sometimes it seems like the people I know get so caught up in keeping up with the Jones & everyone else that doesn’t really matter, that they forget what’s really important. When I wake up in the morning I’m gifted with the opportunity to make a difference in my son and daughters life. No I don’t have the luxury to buy whatever I want whenever I want anymore. But I honestly don’t miss it.

The true sacrifice is having all the material things you could think of, and no time to enjoy the people who love you.

Testing, testing 1-2-3...

So I'm working on taking my blog mobile so that I will actually do some blogging. Here's a picture of my lil' mini me from a few days ago. She was killing that donut!

Lonely Soccer Mom

Jibrael started soccer! It’s actually been a few weeks but I’ve been lazy on the blogging :/ BUT, he’s really damn good for it to be his first time playing. I mean sure he’s gonna need to pay more attention to who’s on his team, but he’s totally got the jest of it all down :) This week he actually scored a goal, for the wrong team but nevertheless he kicked the hell outta that ball!

I ran around for nearly a week getting everything I thought we’d need to be successful soccer parents. Jays got all his Adidas gear and looks so cute in it! Of course I don’t have a picture of that, Daddy was in charge of the camera on game day. Qee got a new quad chair to style the sideline. But all she really wants to do is kick the ball :)

 

The thing that surprises me the most is how difficult it’s been to meet any soccer moms. I’m amazed at how closed off the group is. I thought for sure I’d meet some interesting moms to chat with on the sidelines. But the ones that speak English (I’m being serious) are rather snobbish. I did find one mom to chat with during the clinic, but I don’t see her at the games.

Any way I find myself thinking I wouldn’t want to deal with snobby bitches anyway, right?! I’m determined to keep these kids active, mostly for my sanity. So eventually I expect to meet an awesome mom with kids the same age and some other kinds of similarities. Or maybe I’m destined to cheer on the sideline with with me and the hubs…

Fighting for better or worse…

Monday was our 7th wedding anniversary, this week I’ve been reflecting on how quickly the time has passed. It’s funny to me to say yeah, I’ve been married for seven years, when I still have so many single friends from hs and college. Hell, I sometimes feel like I’M the lame for having a family! I mean with all the “independent women” and trifling men who’d rather be “baby daddy” then husband, is marriage an antiquated idea? I don’t think so, if animals can mate for life that must have been the plan for mankind… right?!

I can remember the look on everyone's faces when we got married. Jumping right in was what we knew best, somehow us getting married seemed to make so much sense. We’d known each other for six months, and there was so much more to know about one another, but we’d have forever to learn. And it wasn’t even a love thing! So many people think that at 19 and 20 you can’t possibly know who you’ll want to spend forever with, that getting caught up in “love” is the wrong thing at such a young age. If anyone would ask Muhammad why he married me he’d say it was because he felt I would compliment his weaker areas. And as romantic as I’d love to say I am, the thought occurred that THAT boy was going places. We grew to love each other later, and it wasn’t easy or fairytale love.

Our marriage almost didn’t make it. What a tough thing to openly admit. We called it quits, threw in the towel. Came dangerously close to forever living separate from one another. And the naysayers said yay. They said we were too young to have gotten married in the first place. They accused us of playing house. Said we didn’t need to be together, that our children would be better off if we ended it. They said there wasn’t anything wrong with walking away. And as a child of divorce, my parents, grandparents, in fact I only have two set of aunts and uncles that HAVEN’T been divorced, I believed it. I thought I’d bounce back, made up my mind that I could do better.

We were fortunate to see, that we were destined to be together. Even though every moment that we were separated we tried to stop loving each other, our hearts knew where they belonged. I believe there is one person out there for everyone. Some of us mess up with that person and just walk away. We spend the rest of our lives making unfortunate decisions and harmful mistakes. We are both blessed to have experienced pain, and learned from it. To have truly acknowledged what a sacred commitment marriage is. We will let each anniversary remind us how close we were to walking away from “the one”.

I know many people who weren’t happy that we fought so hard to save our marriage. I’m certain that they are silently hoping we fail. I hope they hold their breath! I got married to be apart of something great, and everyday it gets better.

For all the tears we cry, and fist we throw, what are we really fighting for? If not for love it is in vain.

What the hell!?!

I don’t watch my mouth. In fact, I cuss around pretty much everyone. I think I’ve been doing it since third grade or so. Doesn’t bother me one bit and if it bothers your, well you can go… LOL!

Enters Jibrael, “Mommie, Aqeelah just said a bad word”

Me “What did she say?”

Jibrael “She said what the hell?”

Me “Hmmm, I wonder where she got that from?” *puzzled look*

For real people, I don’t have the slightest clue where she’d be getting that phrase. I mean sure I say “hell” but “what the hell” that’s a very specific order. And quite impressive for a 2yo if I do say so myself!

So later that day M’s telling Aqeelah that the dog has her doll. “What the hell”, she says clear as day! He looks at me and is like “What’s up with that?” And I have to say that I HONESTLY do not know.

So now he’s all pissy with me because he says whenever I catch them doing something they shouldn’t I say “What the hell!” I don’t know if that’s necessarily true, but I guess I’d better watch my mouth. At least until Aqeelah is old enough to understand that she can’t say everything that Mommie says!

Just for clarification (cause I gotta get this off my chest!)

I haven’t cared what people thought about me in some years. This weekend I was reminded that there are plenty of people who don’t understand or respect the choices I’ve made. I didn’t finish college, got married too soon, had kids too young. Spent too much money, and didn’t pay all my bills on time. I did things my way and I’ve never been sorry for that. I’ve laughed and cried, I’ve lied and yep even stole. I gave, and felt foolish and very incomplete.

But mostly I lived. I’ve survived what would have ended some. I fought through loss and failure. Swallowed my tears and bit down hard on my tongue. I’ve grown and learned what not to say or do. That’s not to say I will stand for anything. You cross me by messing with my family and you’ll see just what I mean!  I am full of potential and I make the decision where it will be focused.

I choose to be where I am today. I walked away from my career and there is no place I’d rather be than right here with my family. So everyday that I get to play with my kids instead of being a nobody in a corporate jungle I feel truly blessed. At one point, I woke up every morning to go to a job I hated just to keep my health insurance. So now waking up and making pancakes from scratch might seem like a waste of time for some, but it feels my mornings with joy. And knowing that my children have a loving lap to cuddle in or a stern voice to discipline them makes this world a better place.

I’m not superwoman. My mother was amazing and somehow did it all, and all by herself. I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful partner in life and parenting who also sees that the most good is being done with me right here at home. My desire to live my life minus the scrutiny of everyone has lead me to feel like its us against the world. And I don’t want to feel that way. But I will clarify for all those who question every move I make:

No, I don’t get bored. I have a 2yo who literally keeps me on my toes every moment she's awake. If I don’t keep my eyes open she’ll burn the condo down and torture the dog!

No I’m not sitting on my butt all day. In fact most days you won’t find me at home at all. The aforementioned 2yo and puppy cause me to wake up at the same time, if not earlier than when I was working.  I have been fortunate enough to meet some pretty amazing Moms along the way who keep me encouraged and offer shoulders to cry on/ adult conversation.

No, I don’t feel like finishing my degree right now should be my priority. If you feel I should go back to school please provide the financial means to do so. Until YOU’RE the one mailing my nearly $300 student loan payment off to Sallie Mae or my husbands that is slightly more I don’t care what you think.

Yes, I did have my children young. I PLANNED both of them that way. Wouldn’t change it for the world. They make me better at everything.

And as far as my marriage goes, well that’s none of your DAMN business.

I’ve made mistakes in the past but they won’t dictate my future. I am making my priorities known, and my brownsuga babies will be better because of it.

And the week starts anew…

It’s Sunday. We got groceries for the week, made brunch, and battled it out with the kids. Sometimes it’s hard to remember I’m not in this alone. Sometimes it’s hard to give credit where credit is due. I’m sure every wife has those times, or maybe not. I know that even with all the awe I feel towards my dear husband, sometimes I forget to show it. So when I’m complaining about having been gone grocery shopping for over an hour and the kids room is still a wreck, it’s simply one of those times. Or when I walk into the house annoyed by the children darting at my legs screaming how hungry they are, it’s just another one of those times. Does this mean that I don’t acknowledge the times he makes everything all better, I hope not.

The thing I love about Sunday is no matter what happened last week, this ones just starting. We’ve got a clean slate to create new moments. Moments that may be filled with laughter or hugs and kisses. My goal for the new week is more joyful moments that not. To take the time out to show my family that they truly do make my life better. Even when they get on my nerves.

May this week go quickly for everyone!

Parenthood's not ALL bad

After yesterdays release I fear this blog is becoming my complaint zone. And since I'd rather not have a bitch corner, today I'll just recall the wonderful moments of our Monday.

Jibrael wasn't late for school! That is a great way to start the week, especially when it's the last week before spring break. Oh, and did I mention we live across the street from the school?!

Aqeelah didn't poop on herself! In fact she went IN the toilet today! In an effort not to jinx this progress I will say no more ;)

Jibrael made me proud of him for his determination to do the right thing, even if it's not what I would do. He has had several bullying incidents and today stated that someone hit him in the eye today while saying mean things about him. Having gone through this for the last few months I decided this would be the last incident and told him to hit back. His reply, "I don't want to hit back Mommy, Mrs. Gordon said it's not nice." And he's right, tomorrow I will be talking to Mrs. Gordon and fighting this battle for him.

And lastly, Jibrael did a GREAT job with homework tonight. Both math and reading are really coming together for him. :)

Today those few moments made me feel special and reminded me why I LOVE my life!

Moms don't get holidays!!

Today's my birthday, and I'm working! Yep, that's right, 365 rain, sleet, snow, hail or high water. I'm here doing the dirty work, on hand and knee scrubbing in between creating delicious delights in the kitchen. Am I doing it willingly? No, not today.

Today is my day! My holiday from being Mommie, or in Aqeelahs case "Daddy". I didn't expect to have an outlandish surprise party, or even get a new diamond. I knew it wasn't feasible to go home and celebrate with my mom and sisters. Although, none of those things would have been frowned upon ;-) All I wanted for my birthday was a new puppy, and a day of rest. And, I didn't really ask for a full day. Since it's Sunday and we like to have brunch on Sundays. I cooked and even did some cleaning and then the whammy....

My sweet husbands gotta run out, no problem. He didn't want to take EITHER of the kids. Kinda peeved, but I can still have a peaceful day if I just let them watch TV. THEN my cousin (mentioned in previous post) turns two into three with an impromptu stay over. At this point I could throw a big fit, or I could make the most of it and bribe the three of them with movies and snacks. Except, they are arguing. AND Aqeelah peed her pants.

This isn't my ideal birthday, but I'm the MOM and I can handle a little pee. Until a little pee turns into Aqeelah pooping on the bathroom floor. NOW I'M PISSED!

I call Muhammad to tell him to come home, he's wondering whats wrong with me so I deliver the short version... "Your daughter just $#!t on the floor". I'm sure you're reading this and thinking what could Muhammad do about the situation? I felt the same way, and quickly called him back up to let him know I would deal with it myself. Muhammad stayed gone, but was kind enough to make a stop at Baskin Robbins and bring home a quart of my favorite Rainbow Sherbet! Unfortunately, before Muhammad would arrive back home Aqeelah pooped AGAIN, but this time on the living room floor.

I cleaned all the poop up, and am still washing clothes :/ The truly sad thing is I can't call this my worst birthday :(. There's nothing I can do now, except tell all the well wishers that I'm blessed to see another year, and NO, my birthday wasn't a wonderfully fun day. In fact it was business as usual.

Even though today was supposed to be MY DAY it was just another day. I'm a MOM, debate-ably the best job on Earth. And as such I am not entitled to the aforementioned "day, or half day off"! These children are my fault, so I will get over my moment of selfishness and remember that poop happens!

My last day as a 25yo

Quarter of a century to get here, and gone in no time! It seems like just yesterday I was a headstrong adolescent, and now I'm nearly 30! I have gone through 9496 days, 1356 weeks, 311 months on earth, and that's pretty exciting! The accomplishments along the way, though they may not seem like much to some, have made me the woman that I am today. A better daughter, sister, friend, wife, and mother. There isn't anything that I would do differently.

And yet this birthday, while it's not the typical milestone is really causing me to pause and reflect. My 25th year had many difficulties, and each battle seemed like the end of the road. My marriage, child rearing, friendships, and financial health had each been strengthened and then stretched to the limits. So this, my 26 year, I pray for more optimism, and patience with myself. That I might remember during the crazy days and short nights there isn't anything better for me, then my life.

Success is living life with no regrets, I pray that 26 will hold continued success.

She's JUST a baby!

I have never felt so strongly about adults not expecting more from children then today. Aqeelah has been making strides this week with her potty training. We have a chat every morning about her being a big girl for the day and making sure she listens to her body. She had two full days of no accidents. That's a great achievement for both of us. No it's not where we want to be but it's better than where we were.

I'm finding myself more willing to talk to her about her accidents instead of getting upset. Today she had an accident at the optometrist. I was really embarrassed and almost didn't, but decided to tell the staff that she had an accident in the chair. The chick behind the counter got snappy with me! I wanted to go off on her, to tell her that my baby feels badly enough already. Instead I finished up and walked out. Poor Aqeelah, she really looked upset. Needless to say, that will not be our doctor!

And this has reminded me that for all my struggles, my kids are just that, kids. I know there are things that they should be doing in all of their stages, and to expect more just isn't fair or realistic. So while I may want Jibrael to listen to directions the first time, or have Aqeelah go to sleep the first time I say, I think I am learning that they need time to be kids. And as kids they need to have accidents, to JUST be a 2yo and a 5yo. This time has passed too quickly already, why rush the process?

It can't be this hard!

I've been thinking about the progress that I have, or have not made at home. It's kinda disheartening for me, I know that I have been making a difference but I have so much ahead of me. I still haven't REALLY gotten Aqeelah potty trained, sure she pees in the potty, but as I've been informed if it's only when I tell her shes not actually trained. I wouldn't say that her behavior has gotten much better either. She throws tantrums and hits. I don't expect her to be perfect, she's still a baby, but after being at home for two months I do expect to see some changes... maybe even knowing my name!

As for Jibreal he seems to be enjoying me being at home more lately. He's growing up so fast and growing into quite the little smart ass! He's got a mouth on him, and I wasn't expecting that for another couple of years. Sure sometimes it's cute for your kids to question you. But for the most part it's just annoying. I'm finding myself counting to ten several times a day to avoid hurting his feelings. And I wonder if he realizes how much he hurts my feelings by being so mean. I know, that's a childish point of view. It all just becomes so clear when your the mom. To think of all the asshole moments I had as a kid, ha!

I guess that means both the brownsuga babies are entitled to act like babies. And I'm supposed to, as their mom, teach them how to be respectful and not pee in their pants! But why does it have to be so hard? I mean if insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, what does that make motherhood?

I still don't see how I was doing any of the things I NEEDED to be doing while working. My days pass so quickly and I don't get everything that I wanted to done. I'm thankful that Muhammad is so understanding, He hasn't complained once about dinner or having to help with bedtime. But I imagine I'd better get my self together before he gets wind of my failures. I just know if women can stay at home with 5 kids, I should be able to manage my 2! So I'm gonna take it one day at a time and have a little more patience with myself, after all I can't let them see me sweat ;)

Valentine's VII

My day was phenomenal! And I almost did absolutely nothing at all :)
I gave the children waaaay too much candy and enjoyed just laying around with Muhammad. I wish we had more days to do this, but tomorrow is Monday and we're back to the grind.

For now I want to say that seven, yes seven Valentine's days as his wife and I can't wait for the next one. Not because he remembers to get me a card or any kind of gift. In fact he usually doesn't do either, but life with him is a daily anniversary and I'm thankful for any chance we get to celebrate. I LOVE MUHAMMAD YASIN!

Learning to choose my battles

Jibrael is in kindergarten and we've had our share of "No, because I said so" moments, but this week I have caved on my principles. Why? Because I want my son to be happy, and because my husband doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. The question, should we send valentines to school on Friday. My point, there is no educational value in a valentine party. Additionally, our township is a participant in a healthy lifestyle pledge, and as such the children aren't even allowed to bring cupcakes for their birthdays. Despite those facts the children are allowed to bring in and exchange candied valentines.

Yes I do think that parties in kindergarten are cute and help establish social skills. But a valentines party gives the wrong message. Why so passionate? Because, my 5 yo told me that he wanted to give a valentine to Kylie and Juliette. Yes, I know you're all thinking well isn't that cute. NO, it's not I don't want my son exposed to girl friends, kissing, and yes even sex as a 5 yo. Think I'm reaching? I'm not, I volunteer in my sons school, which only goes up to the 5th grade and the things that these children are talking about are anything but innocent. And yes, my son goes to a five star school, majority of the kids are really good. But there's also the desensitization to adult relationships portrayed in ALL kids shows. So am I becoming that psycho mom who should really home school? I don't want to make him anti-social, I just want to teach him love and relationships when hes older... like 30!!!

Sadly, I agreed to allowing Jibrael to take valentines to school. In hopes that he will continue to be a good kid, while having a few moments of being like everyone else. Muhammad didn't see harm in them, and I suppose that if we play down the flying cupids and silly hearts, making it a cheap candy and friendship day it won't be so bad. Learning to pick my battles as a mom is a lesson I am constantly learning. Somethings are never going to change. I won't budge on eating Halal, or bare mid-drifts, or homework before sports. The art is in not feeling like a sell out for the sake of my childrens happiness.

I. Hate. Snow.

The funny thing is when I was a kid I wanted to live somewhere where it snowed. Now I don't even want to go across the street to pick up Jibrael from school when it's snowing out... What's wrong with me? Isn't it beautiful and pristine and all that stuff? Am I a bad mommie because I don't let the children go out and play in it and make snow angels and snowmen? I mean, I'm all for them having fun but I don't want to go out in the snow, i refuse to stand around being cold. And touching the snow would only make me wet so that's totally out too! I honestly am PRAYING for the day when I don't live in the MidWest! I miss the days when you had to go to the snow, and there was that crazy thought that it was only for skiing and boarding! What is snow for? There are always so many accidents and stupid ppl on the road!





So in short I HATE SNOW. And, at least for now, there isn't anything that I can do about it :(... My one person pity party I suppose. But I hope the snow doesn't ruin my girls night tonight because this has been quite the week with Aqeelah in panties. Yes she has made great progress, I mean Monday we went through 5 pair! But a few hours of ME time without having to worry about cleaning up poop accidents are truly welcomed.

Wow, that was quick!

I've already been a SAHM for a month now! Wooohoooo! I have to say I feel pretty good about the progress I've made with Qee too! Yeah she's only gone poop in the potty once or twice, she still calls me "Daddy", and she has complete diva moments, but... well I guess I haven't made much progress with her! We DID have a moment in the Super Target the other day where it appeared she was actually listening to me :) I pray for more breakthroughs with her, especially since we spend so much time together. I also pray she starts sleeping in her own bed again. For some reason shes ended every night these last two weeks in our bed. And Qee is not a great bed mate, in fact shes quite pushy.

I was much more successful to establishing a schedule for the family. I have explored several breakfasts with the kiddos including chocolate and banana pancakes, a recipe I haven't actually perfected yet ;) This month we also CONSISTENTLY had dinner served by 6:40!!! Yay me! The children were in bed by 8:30 EVERY weeknight!!! And my laundry pile is still a mile high!!! LOL, I suppose I should work on organization this next month. I would LOVE to throw away all the laundry and start from scratch. Never mind how unrealistic that is, especially on one income. I just feel like if it were already folded or on a hanger it would make its way to it's home easier. That is until the children need to find something... or heaven forbid wear something. Perhaps during my tenure as a SAHM I can invent some USEFUL machine that washes, folds, AND puts away laundry!!!

Speaking of machines, Jibrael continues to create these elaborate paper "machines" that all specialize in about a hundred things. He puts them everywhere, on the refrigerator, dinning room and living room tables, my bathroom, his bathroom, every bed in the house. I'm not sure what to do with these inventions, I feel bad for throwing them away and it only seems to encourage him to build more. What am I going to do with him? Trying to enable him to use his imagination AND save trees for my grandchildren just doesn't seem possible! He's also planning this extravagant costume party for his classmates. Even the bully girl got invited, which does not make Mommie happy! These party plans sound so expensive and I keep trying to remind him that we only have one person in this house with a job and we should go over everything with Daddy. I suppose that statement would be more helpful if Daddy agreed with it :/

Muhammad has been very busy with work. His adventures in social media networking have put him on the Googles top page. And I'm very proud of him! He went to Canada this month and over all seems very pleased with the new life we have here. The funny thing is five years ago when we were buying a house I never would have thought I'd be able to get him to leave Ohio, now I just know we are getting closer to the BIG move out of the Midwest.... one day!

As for me, I've had my ups and downs this month. It's really hard trying to become a nicer, more patient person. I have made strides with being more patient with the children, not working has helped a lot with that. But EVERYONE ELSE really pisses me off still! It's a good thing I have another 11 months to improve LOL. But if this year goes by as quickly as the last month, I'm gonna have to try harder to get everything done.

Just a side note

Today I feel compelled to mention that I am married to the greatest guy ever! He didn't do anything that he doesn't always do. No new jewelry, or flowers, or even a sappy card. the only thing my husband did last week, and again today was wake up and get himself ready for work. He went and dealt with, well I don't REALLY know what he does at work. LOL, But he does it EVERYDAY and doesn't complain. This he does for ME, for our family. He goes in early and comes home late so that I don't have to. And THAT means everything to me. The other day I had a moment of selfish questioning, which I feel we are all entitled to, and my husband told me his goal is to keep me happy. He's such a thoughtful man, and I have to remember that in my day to day task.

My older sister recently got married, and I am so pleased that she has someone who she can spend forever with. IF there was one thing I could tell her it would be to maintain the same goals. In my seven years of marriage I have been at the very top and near with I thought was the end. And, even though I probably would have been easier to give up, we made it through because we adjusted our focus on to each other. In a world that says because my parents got divorced I'm more likely to get divorced, I'm trying my hardest to disprove those statistics.

So even though I may not say it nearly enough, I love my husband and I'm truly blessed to have him in my life.

This is just how we do it :)

Last night my little cousin spent the night. He only lives around the corner, but honestly we hardly see him. When I was working it just wasn't possible, we were always trying to just make the most of the free time we had to spend with OUR children. So my aunt and uncle went to the playoff game and he came over. We had a great time, I made spaghetti and salad and garlic bread and we sat down @ the table and served and ate. After dinner the kids played I cleaned the kitchen, it really wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Ok, well actually the kids were up until like midnight and that's NOT normal. But it was fun. This morning we had our bi-monthly Sunday brunch. It's always a TON of food :) It's also a ton of fun, fills us up and makes us quite drowsy.

Just after sitting down to chow down my cousin said, "it so quiet in here, my house is crazy and we hardly every sit down at a table and eat together." My cousin is the only child of two VERY busy people. But at that moment it made me feel like I was making the EXACT difference in my kids childhood that I set out to make. They may not have all the toys, and electronics, and vacations that I would be able to give them if I had continued with my career. They may not have their own bedrooms, or a huge house and backyard. But, I AM giving them the attention they need at the dinner table. Over a nutritious meal and with their parents who love and adore them. I am fortunate enough to be giving them something that will far outlast all of the material things that money can buy.

I felt so appreciated when my husband replied to my cousin, "we eat together everyday." I know that we are both on the same page for giving the brownsuga babies everything they need to make them successful in life. I added to my husbands response, "that's just how we do it."

In the running for best mom of the year! ( ok week :p)

After the week we've had I totally took the award for best mom of the week! And the BrownSuga Babies have each taken the gold for the weeks best son and daughter. I won't lie, it's been rough. Jibrael is still working my nerves with the whinnying, but I think I'm mastering the ignore option. Or at least ensuring when he actually NEEDS me and when he needs a nap :) He has had his share of really needing me this week, and I came to the rescue!

He had a bully situation at school, and as much as the thought of little kids teasing my one and only SONshine pissed me off I didn't handle it by going to the school and spanking the kids! After one of the little girls threw a toy at my sons head and called him a girl I called the teacher. Jibrael had been telling us stories of teasing and we honestly wanted him to work it out on his own. AND when enough was enough Mommy to the rescue!

Jibrael also did some shoe tying and time telling on his own! I'm so proud of him, he has really set his mind to doing well.

Aqeelah went pee pee in the potty! Not just once, shes been going all week. And as icing on the cake she wore the same pull up all the way to grandma's house in Ohio and then back home! She's amazing just like her Mommie!!! I am so blessed to have them, it makes being the best mommie I can be so much easier!

Today was slightly less productive, we didn't even leave the house until after 4. Jibrael and his phony coughing persuaded me to keep him home from school today. Something I will NEVER do again. Not really certain when he became an expert whinner... but he's totally there. And putting Qee through the rapid course to join him.

The day didn't start out that bad though, I decided to be very creative with left over brownie batter and combined it with this mornings pancake mix. It gave us a slightly fudgey pancake that both the kids enjoyed. I am so happy to be at home and in the kitchen again, it's really giving me a chance to have that family life I dreamed of as a kid. When both parents are working and dinner is an after thought, it really leaves the kids to fend for themselves. My mother didn't have a choice in the matter really, I do and so I want our kids to know what I think is a normal childhood.

Just me and Qee...

Tomorrow will be the close of my very first week as a SAHM. Well, technically that's not accurate, since I was at home the last two weeks of my retail career, but who's counting! I promised myself, my husband, and Qee that I would potty train her. Three weeks into the task and we really aren't any closer to being diaperless than day one. Thinking back I didn't do that great of a job potty training Jay either. He didn't REALLY grasp the concept for at least a year, and with my new found budgeting efforts and determination I will not have that same issue with Qee.

Obvious to anyone who Qee speaks to is her love for her Daddy. EVERYONE is "Daddy" and having a c-section and 10 months of breast feeding doesn't make me exempt from that. I was expecting that I would become plan ole "Mommy" since we are spending so much one on one time. So far that hypothesis is yet to be proven. I try to correct her, and it seems to catch for about thirty seconds. Then its more of the usual and "Daddy" this or "Daddy juice". I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't jealous!

Nevertheless, our first week together with the men at work and school has been interesting. We've both had meltdowns and mood swings. I am finding out that she is more than my mirror in appearance, she owns my attitude also. I have found out what my mother meant when she said "you'll see when you have a daughter." Those words are somewhat of a curse. As if to say that all the women of my bloodline will be emotionally unstable and prone to violent sprees. I will not let my daughter repeat my mistakes! Some how my guidance will prevent that I just know it!